Made weak by time and fate,
but strong in will;
To seek, to strive, to find, and not to yield.

Side Note:
The fork. or Also known as "A Dingle-hopper" Reminds me of one who not only had amazing hair (that I would pretend I had as I swam in our pool as a young girl) but also for me represents a young woman who loved learning about everything and anything. Who pushed past barriers and boundaries to find her place in this world. In this industry education is key and you are always always learning. Everyday! And with that requires perseverance to reach goals. The industry of beauty is all about testing, pushing and surpassing barriers and boundaries. This industry is truly SWEET!!!!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I need to vent

I need to vent and because I have no one to talk to at this particular point in time and I'll go mad if I don't get this off my chest. Plus I type faster than I write. I'm venting to my blog. And I'm sorry if my "gift" has ever upset any of you.

I have this "gift". I can , in seconds, upset someone like no other! I can't tell ya how I do it because I don't even know!!! Even my husband who knows me better than anyone get's all worked up. I can't fix it! I don't know how I broke it in the 1st place! I ask, and no one will say. OR the thing they tell me makes me think, "What?!? How did you get, "I think you're fat" Out of "Hey, this really cute shirt doesn't fit me and I'd thought you'd like it."
NOTE: I don't ever put secret messages in my words, or hints or clues! I try to tell it like I see it or feel it. That's it. If I say the shirt doesn't fit me and I thought you might like it, it means. Hey, this shirt is so cute and would look so good on you. (Who cares about what size it is!!!!!!!)

And guess what! Even though no one will tell me exactly what I did, punishment comes non the less. Sad tears for me because I hate making people sad, slilence from them (those that I upset). And what stinks about it is this: I am not a spiteful, hurtful, angry, witchy, get back at you, I'm offended, you did this to me, you forgot this, I dont' like you, or you didn't do this so I"m going to freak out kind of person!!!!! I just try to love people and hope to be loved. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes. But can't there just be one person in my life who can just not worry about whatever it is I super screw up?! Or the very least, talk to me about it?? They all act like they have never done or said anything that has hurt me!
But guess what! NEWS FLASH! Most likely you have said or done something to me that was hurtful. Some very hurtful.
I just chose not to worry about it. To try and understand that you might have been having a bad day, or that there was some reasonable explanation for it. Maybe I deserved it? LOL. What a joke. So much for treat others as you'd have others treat you. It's impossible for me to make everyone happy all of the time. And it feels fantastic when my "gift" effects those that are most important to me. Particularly my husband. He's the one person I hate upsetting and I hate making him unhappy!!! I don't want to be one of those wives who fall under all the jokes of being a nag, or dramatic, or whiny or whatever. I want him to be happy. The one person that is the most important to me. I want to be his person. I want to be the one person that no matter what is going on, he can see me or look at me and smile. The person he wants to hang out with when he's having a bad day. (He's that for me) Can I do that for him?! Nope. It's heart breaking. No matter how hard I try, this thing that I do gets in the way every time, no matter how much I love or care about the other person. It's no fun when you think of a person as your best friend but you're not claimed as theirs. They're your 1st choice but you're not theirs.

Talk to me about it! N0? Oh, ok. Continue giving me the silent treatment. I'm not even here. No worries that I'm totally upset and sad and worried that I upset you. No worries that I want to fix whatever it was that I did and say sorry. Hey no problem.
I'll just wait.
Why? Because I have another gift. I CARE.
I care for real, despite how I am treated or what skewed view others have of the reality of who I am. I can't help but care. I don't know how to not care. I can't lie to save my life and I have no desire to hurt anyone. Even those who really could care less about me and who have purposefully hurt me because they just don't like me. ( I do care for them from very far away though!)


S and B H. said...

I am so sorry you are hurting. I hope/pray that you can have peace again soon.


Clarissa Emily said...

Amanda! I found your blog! Bwahahaha!!! Anyhoo- I know this post was a month ago, and I know I already told you on your Facebook, but I love you no matter what! You are an awesome friend and the people who get THAT offended over something so trivial don't deserve you. Remember that you can always call me up and vent anytime! P.S. I found that other shirt I was going to give you the other day...please don't take it as "I think you're fat..." ;) LUVS!!!