Made weak by time and fate,
but strong in will;
To seek, to strive, to find, and not to yield.

Side Note:
The fork. or Also known as "A Dingle-hopper" Reminds me of one who not only had amazing hair (that I would pretend I had as I swam in our pool as a young girl) but also for me represents a young woman who loved learning about everything and anything. Who pushed past barriers and boundaries to find her place in this world. In this industry education is key and you are always always learning. Everyday! And with that requires perseverance to reach goals. The industry of beauty is all about testing, pushing and surpassing barriers and boundaries. This industry is truly SWEET!!!!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Water works

Ok just a note about being prego with a girl........ HELLO SUPER EMOTIONAL, UNVALID WORRIES AND HIGH ANXIETY!!!.
Those of you who know me best know I am emotional by nature but holy cow this is a whole diffrent level for me. I seriously, no joke, cry everyday, and when I 'm not crying, I totally have the biggest lump in my throat. The littlest thing can send me into a water works show. And it doesn't help that not only am I having the "I wanna ball in my bed for a few hours" sort of feelings; triggered by something that is no big deal; I am also now upset because I'm upset which as you can imagine, does not help the situation what so ever! It's so intense and real in my head, like there's a little monster in my brain who is taking all my insecurities and worries and twising anything that I hear into something really horrible. Like for instance, A lady in my ward just found out that I was pregnant yesterday and she said, "I had no idea you were pregnant." Instead of my usual attitude of: " I must not be showing as much as I feel" I think with a large lump in my throat..." WHAT?! How could you not? I'm totally showing. I must just look totally fat!!!!!" The flood gates of past insecurites and worries, that with self discovery and life experience rarely are an issue anymore, all come flooding back at once.
I also experience intense jelousy and feel very defensive. I met a girl a few weeks ago who works at Nordstroms. My great friend Jen Wagner took me there to meet up with this girl, to pick up some fun parfume samples. So this girl starts saying how she just got off work and needed to go home to get some baking done and that she LOVES football and is having a party. This girl is gorgeous in everyway that I can see and instantly I'm feeling defensive and insecure while thinking, "So this is what it feels like to meet your husbands dream girl in real life!!!" Not only did I suddenly feel very "lacking in every way" I also felt so STUPID for even thinking something like that! DUMB I KNOW!!!
Also, I have really weird and frustrating dreams that feed of my emotions. I wake up so tired in the mornings.
The Good news: I did mention my extreme and really frustrating "ISSUES" ; P to my doctor. (Thank goodness for good docs and nurse practitioners by the way. I have great ones!!!! )
She told me to really pay attention to my feelings and if my anxiety increases I need to let her or Doc Huish know and I can start a safe treatment to help me feel like my normal happy self. She also said that I need to keep in mind that these extreme hormone changes could also increase my chance for Postpardom depression! YIKES!
Did any of you girls go through anything like this with any of your pregnancies?


The Gibbens said...

I was on the verge of tears my entire first trimester... and a lot of the time since, especially when i'm tired... you're crying for 2 girls now!... that's a lot of estrogen! lol! I hope you feel better soon-

Amb & Dev said...

Hang in there sis. I am sorry to say I have no idea what you are going through, even though peole ask me why I'm being a wench beast!J/K (My family would probably think that is Normal... hello!) I am still wearing my regular clothes and I bought maternity clothes just to feel more prego! haha talk about crazy! :) LOL No seriously,I will call you later, cause this could turn into a novel! TTYL.